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I wish I may, I wish I might
have the wish I wished tonight
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28th-Feb-2011 01:07 pm(no subject)
Grandpa died last Thursday. He had a massive stroke and his brain stem filled with blood and so he was basically dead as soon as it happened. The hospital kept him on a ventilator so his kids could get there and be with him. My dad and his brother and two sisters were with him when they took him off (the other brother was on a plane from Germany and didn't get there until later).

So we drove down Friday, and it hadn't really sunk in yet I guess, because I'm so depressed that I have no emotions (good or bad) and I honestly can't remember the last time I've had a good cry. Well we got down to Missouri and went down to the funeral home later that evening for the viewing. I didn't know if I wanted to go and look or not, because I wanted to remember him as being alive and healthy, not cold and silent in a coffin. But I decided to go anyways. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping, and he had his favorite button-up shirt with the African safari animals on it. He didn't look fake or made-up, like a wax doll. He looked like Grandpa. And even then I didn't cry.

But my grandma was sitting there, so small and feeble, holding his hand and repeating over and over, "He's so cold, I want to keep him warm..." and she gave him a blanket so he wouldn't be cold. And I guess that something finally broke inside me, because the reality of it sunk in...and I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. I realized how fucked up this world is, and how much it hurts to love someone, because you'll eventually lose them forever. My grandparents were married for 66 years, and my grandma was the sweetest lady I've ever known. She loved him so much, and took care of him, and followed him all over the world, even to the middle of the jungle in Africa.

Grandpa was supposed to be invincible. This was the man who went on elephant hunts and when the elephants charged him, he charged back. He threw rocks at hippos for fun. During the rebellions in Rwanda in the 1960s, he chased off rebel soldiers who tried to stop his car by revving his chainsaw at them. He always knew what to do in a crisis. The list of people whose lives he saved is very, very long. He even drove a Tutsi family who was about to be murdered out of the country, right under the nose of the border guards. He was the ultimate troll, using his wit and humor to trick people in order to save others.

He wasn't supposed to die. But we buried him yesterday, in the pouring rain, and I feel like a little piece of myself was buried with him.
19th-Oct-2010 12:54 am - video games live
Video Games Live is in Chicago in 3 weeks and the cheapest tickets are like 50 bucks and I fucking have no money.

5th-Oct-2010 11:39 pm - omg omg

We 2-shot him after 2-shotting heroic BQL, Dreamwalker, and Sindy. This was an amazing evening and I can die happy now. Or something.
3rd-Oct-2010 09:25 am - /sadface
So last Friday night, my guild finally killed the Lich King.

I wasn't there.

After putting in so much time and effort, and trying to stay positive, and encouraging people that we could in fact do it, I miss the first kill.

My external hard drive (that I have WoW on) died last Sunday. A guildie sent me an old one of his that he no longer needed, but it didn't get to me until Friday afternoon. I was unaware that there was a Lich King attempt scheduled for that night, otherwise I would have set up the HD sooner so I could have made it. Yeah, my luck ROCKS. Anyways, around 11:30 pm I log in, cheer about being back, and then my friend whispers me "omg we fucking did it." I went cold and numb.

I was (and am) so ridiculously happy for them, but at the same time, it was heartbreaking for me, because I'm afraid I'll never be able to get the kill now with 4.0 coming out this week and all the shitstorm that will ensue. I tried so hard...did everything right...stayed positive even when it looked like we'd never down LK...and for what? I know I was part of a team, I know that my role was vital to the learning process, and I know I probably sound stupid and petty to be whining about missing the kill.

But really, what breaks my heart the most isn't the fact that I'm not Yseri the Kingslayer. It's the fact that I missed the screaming on Vent, the excitement, the elation over finally downing him. Even if I do get the achievement/title eventually, it won't be the same.

Laugh at me all you want, but I cried myself to sleep that night.

I kind of feel like just quitting WoW now, or at least taking a long break until I get over my disappointment. It's been fun, but I don't really have the heart to play anymore.

18th-Sep-2010 07:12 pm - Well, this has been fun.
Dear wow_ladies,

Most of you are very cool. And I really enjoy having discussions and whatnot over there with you guys.

But wow. The sheer number of you today who said that I was silly to be offended over a sexist item in a game was astonishing. I am really tired of people saying, "Well, it doesn't bother ME, so therefore it shouldn't bother YOU. You're too sensitive!" That's a pointless argument. It's completely invalidating the other person's feelings.

One person said they didn't expect Blizzard to not try and keep harmful real life stuff out of the game. I asked if you would care if they put in a joke about the Holocaust, and you said it wouldn't bother you. Okay, then.

Another lovely individual pointed out that, "Well, if MY daughter was sleeping around I'd turn her into a hearthstone too!"

Ah, days like this are such a joy. I'm not entirely sure what brand of shrooms I was smoking to think posting this was a good idea. But we live and learn.

Signed, me.

Also: Drawn by what9000...my night elf :D
31st-Aug-2010 11:49 am - Rage.
I am so fucking sick of people who tell me that I shouldn't let sexist/racist/homophobic/otherwiseoffensive language get to me and that being outraged at people who spew that type of crap is silly and oversensitive.

Case in point, from s3xkittin on wow_ladies (in a post where the OP was lamenting the myriad of disgusting and inappropriate character names in WoW that the GMs don't seem to do anything about):

"you know I'm really sorry and I usually don't say anything on this community, but I'm going to have to stop you right there. and so be it if I get banned/warned for this comment, but honestly it's people like you that make me dislike a lot of the women that play world of warcraft. you seem to just want everyone and everything to cater to you and your over emotional views. a name is a name, words are words, is it effecting your real life? are people walking up to you in real life, staring you in the eyes, and telling you they're going to rape you or they're better than you because you're a woman? i didn't think so. they're probably just 16 year old virgins that will never get a good look at a vagina anyway. I honestly get really annoyed with people that get so offended over text on the internet. I mean I apologize for how harsh I'm probably sounding, but seriously, you need to get a serious back bone and stop taking things so seriously or this world is going to eat you alive."

There are so many things wrong with this statement. It just makes my blood boil.
14th-Jul-2010 02:10 pm - Hai
I honestly never post in this because I've only used LJ for communities (mostly wow_ladies). But I figure I should write something so people won't think I'm some LJ bum who never does anything.

So, hai.
22nd-Mar-2009 12:00 am - hi everyone...
So I finally made a LiveJournal. I probably won't write much on here though because I'm boring and don't have much to say.
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